Regret

i feel as though this will be hard to put into the right words, i often put my foot in my mouth so to speak i would be lying if i didnt say that coming into this relationship, i didnt expect to be wowed by a female Dominant. i was proven wrong, time and time again. Misstress Carrie is an amazing Dominant, attentive, creative and fair. She is also my friend, sharing private jokes, comforting me when i am uncertain. but more and more, i feel as though i cannott fully relax and enjoy my time with Misstress because of ashe. it is hard, always being subject to scruitiny even when not in Her presence. At times, it feels as if he thinks im stupid and immature, not worthy of being a subbmissive for Miss Carrie. as much as i love Her and wish things were easier, i cannott fully commit with someone elses foot on my neck. i worry about Misstress being dissapointed, angry. i still wish to be friends, i will still submit to Her. but a slave, i dont think is for me. not now.

No to yes

As the holidays near, I stress more and more about money. So much so, that yesterday I went to sell plasma. I was seated wih the homeless, addicts, thugs and rednecks. And most of them were ridiculously nice to me. When I told my story at work, my boss looked amazed and disgusted, disbeleiving that I was poor enough to have to do that. I do what's neccesary, even most of thetime when I complain or am scared to do it. So my goal is to relax and continue to be open minded, and try to erase no from my response to new things.  

Action

I have caught a cold. But I findmself always being a bit more productive wen I'm sick. I refuse to let a little germ bring me down! I have too much to do. This past weekend I went with Mistress, jonny and ashe to a "littles" party and disocovered I infact, do enjoy being a little from time to time. Coloring, playing with toys, being bratty. I only wish I could be closer with Miss carrie. I don't know why in my head I can't allow myself to relax and enjoy things, a lot of the time I remove myself and watch, while others have a good time. Why do I ostracize myself?

Aggravation

Sometimes its hard being a subbmissive alongside ashe. He's bullheaded, at times cruel and selfish. I know Mistress is his, that I am always going to feel like a second banana. I was even thinking the other day that it was a bit funny that I ended up being with Miss, since when I first began looking for a Dominant, I was looking for a man. I thought a woman couldent provide me with the type of scenarios that I had envisoned. Sex is a big part of my life. I miss sex with my ex boyfriend, we would often fuck for hours, going through multiple positons and so hard, I loved it. Is it so wrong, wanting to entwine my sexual kink and service? To want my Misstress, and jay to both dominate me? I don't believe so.

Quest for a collar

As of late, I've enjoyed the closeness my mistress and I have shared.confiding in each other, relying on each other, sharing special moments. I truely love making her happy. I want to become better, learn protcol  to better serve my mistress and earn my collar. If only it were a list of tasks to perform, almost like a gauntlet.... but isent that what rules are intended to be? I don't think so. I like my rules. Need them. They are what brings slight order to my chaos. I'm losing weight, gaining confidance and becoming a bit wiser. I'm thinking more of things, I wouldent normally do. Push my boundries, force me to be, exquiste in my worship and service.

Cups of needles

tonight i tried needle play and cupping. i was only a miniscule bit nervous, ive had plenty of peircings and donate blood so im not at all afraid of needles. it was good, i got to taste my blood and ashe took a bunch of pictures plus, since he dosent like needes, Mistress got to have a good time also.

What my rules mean to me

To me, rules are a way of bringing structure to my chaotic life. If I do a crime, a punishmnt befiting it will be inforced upon me. Its swift, often just, and often imagined by myself then brought to life. I worry I'll be too soft and emotional for this role, this lifestyle. I ache to learn more, to soak up every bit of knowledge I can about all aspects of kink and leather. So ill kick my own ass. even if theirs no one around to see me do it.

This stage in life

I see myself struggling. I'm Happy, most of the time. But a lot of the time I think I could do more, be more. Stop letting my fear and preconceived notions Get the best of me. I dont know how I fit into our family yet, I think I'm between on that. I feel a sense of strong friendship and I trust and adore my Mistress. But,I also know I'm not ever going to be her only focus, there won't be a one on one. I am selfish. I love my brother, my lover, my incestuous boyfrend. He is simultaneously the best and hardest person to be around. I am constantly being shoved to see if I'm as strong as I need to be. To be a slave. To be Misstress Carrie's collard girl. I believe I know a bit of what it means to me now to earn my collar. It would mean I endured. I did everything that was asked of me nd tried my hardest at showing devotion. Going out of my way to show others how much of an amazing person my Misstress is, to take the time to love and educate me.

Sleepy imaginings

I am laying in bed, picturing morphing versions of myself throughout the years,wondering when I will become whole. Does the metamorphasies ever stop? Even until I'm dying, will I continue to change? It frightens me a bit, to think how I exsist now will not exsist later...

malha the slave's rules

Rules for malha

1. Keep yourself shaven at all times.
2. Keep your toenails painted and get acrylic nails. (french or pink only)
3. Write in your blog on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
4. No pot smoking on days that you will see me.
5. Commit to seeing me at least three times per week.
6. Make yourself available for events.
7. Smoke only Marlboro Light 100's.
8. When coming into the house, after greeting me, get your cuffs and collar, along with the locks and present them to me.
9. Bedtime at Midnight on Sun-Thurs. Friday and Sat at 2 am unless with me.
10. No sex on Wednesdays. (This is to show I have control even if not there)
11. Ask permission when masturbating alone.
12. No sitting on furniture at My house.
13. Always ask to leave my presence and explain why.
14. Always bring a change of clothes, something nice and a set of pajamas.
15. Always wear makeup around me.
16. you will always keep my kitchen clean when at my house.
17. Keep your own house clean and in good order.
18. you will no longer drink soda.
19. you will limit fast food to once a week and going out to dinner once a week.
20. you will eat a fruit and/or vegetable once a day.
21. you will keep a food journal and email me what it is every evening.
22. you will notify me when you have written in your blog and provide me with the link.
23. When in public you will always walk to my left.
24. you will always get my doors.
25. you will wait to be seated in public.
26. you will always hold my things or fetch my purse.
27. you will not pass off a designated task to someone else.
28. you will always wait for permission to eat when around me.
29. you will always accept punishment willingly.
30. you will present me with your leash when kneeling beside me.

Cant sleep

lately ive been indecisive. toying with ideas and fantasies that i havent before. and to be honest, they make me nervous. what if i go down some path, wanting always to be under the heels of a Mistress, of my Misstress? yes, im talking full slavery, full giving up of any inhibitions and the choice to what i want. but tonight, i was deeply hurt by what ashe said to me, about how i wasent going to work, how i only cared about things to do with sex. i got angry, i yelled back and i definetly didnt think before i spoke. i upset him by saying i didnt enjoy the bondage we had together but i ment i hated how ackward i felt being close to someone, how i felt stupid everytime i pulled against my bonds to pick up things or move, because i felt i was a disturbance. i even pissed next to ashe as we both wore diapers and he fell asleap on my shoulder. how adorably fucked up close is that?? it made me terribly anxious and sad that i left tonight without telling my big brother goodbye and him still being upset with me. i never want to put Miss Carrie in a comprimising position, i know that ashe comes first in Her life, and i dont resent that.i always worry if something i say or do will cross the proverbial "line", and ill lose what ive finnally found. i wanted to cry when Misstress told me to go home, i felt absolutely worthless and miserable and stupid. i thought tonight was the night that i had finnally done it. im almost stressed now, thinking of my next tripp.

Longing

i was punished tonight for arriving at Miss Carrie's house high. i had smoked earlier in the day, stressed out about jay. i am often fantasizing about living with my Mistress and ashe, escaping from ordinary lifestyle and having to hide my true thoughts. thanksgiving was surreal, having to act respectable as a christian, and to pretend jay and i didnt live together, that i didnt wish i was wearing my cuffs and collar to reassure me everything would be fine. i dislike having to intermingle with new people, i tire of being ridiculed or looked at. i long to just be at my Mistresses knee, leash in hand.

Drowning and loving it

im becoming clauster phobic of jay. hes constantly clinging on to me, crying about how much he loves me. i never thought i would get tired of saying " i love you". i love him but i also love Miss Carrie and ashe, equally. this sounds more dramatic than it really is, kind of like a bdsm soap opera. i still have errant thoughts of how dirty i am, how much people would be disgusted with the thoughts running through my mind. i dont even tell jay the things i do with them. the mind fucks that i get from Miss Carie are always entertaining, its our own private joke. pushing my own boundries and making myself suffer to show my devotion. i want to prove myself so badly. yet im so afraid of the pain sometimes im terrified, making my adenaline spike and going on a sub space head rush within two hits landing on me. i hope Misstress will be understanding about my fears.

A Sleepy Afternoon

This weekend at Miss Carrie's was amazing. we all went to a party at a local kink community member's house on friday night which ended up turning bad, as coke was a terrible idea for people to indulge in. it amazes me how much more self control i, a 19 year old girl, has than people around 30 years old. At home on saturday, i wore a diaper for the first time. i was a bit doubtful about how much i would acctually like regressing and acting like a little, but as i was curled around ashe, snuggled tightly into his armpit and holding hands with Miss and sucking on a pacifier,i felt completely happy. as i fell asleap, i had one of the best naps ive had in a long time. i feel content with my Mistress and look forward to more creative scenes and situations. i feel a bit worried that either i dont think im as strong as She does, or that She has higher expectations than i can meet pain wise.

A Humbling Experiance

I could have saved on gas money and just stayed home. i said that when faced with the implication that Misstress wasent going to play with me when She said earlier She was, it made me a bit dissapointed and bratty, but in reality, even if she had sent me home, i still enjoy going over there. i enjoy learning about Miss carrie and ashe's backstorys, hearing the drama going on in the kink community and broadening my perspective on kink and power relationships. even if W/we never played, id still walk away knowing more than just reading could teach me. plus, the two of them are awesome to be around, i feel myself falling just a little bit further under my Mistresses spell, relaxing under her minstrations and accepting She will know whats best for me.i truely beleive She will keep me safe and with my trust issues, She is the quickest i have ever trust someone and that is saying something.

finnally free

Today has been one of the best days with Mistress carrie and ashe. i wore cuffs the entire day, feeling a chilly breeze wash over my naked body, playing with the dogs and talking the entire day away. it was one of the most insightful conversations ive ever had, discussing the dynamics of our blossoming family and explaining certain rituals and kinks. such as, the need for protocol and humiliation strains from needing structure, and the want to be told "good girl". i had been wondering what some of my personal rules and rituals would be, im eager to play and explore my boundries, finnally free to do anything and everything my Mistress tells me too. i couldent be happier :3.

The first night

An hour before i was told to arrive at Miss Carrie's i made sure to shower, taking care to shave and make myself as clean and sweet smelling as possible. i applied a minimal amount of makeup, so that She may see how pretty i am but not mask myself. On the drive over i played some of my favorite music to calm myself, picturing how to act and speak and hope that i didnt make an ass of myself.

Dogs.Dogs everywhere. I walked in to the living room and sat by the door, covered in rowdy basset hounds, trying to hide in the familiar love of animals.I was told before hand the ashe wasent going to be in pants, i never really processed the thought until i was sitting beside him on the floor, seeing his cock in a clear chasity cage. when he left the room i glanced at Miss Carrie, trying to ask without saying, "uhhhm?" She merely laughed and said "a guy shouldent have that nice of an ass". Miss and ashe were open, funny, relaxed and welcoming. Not once did i feel immature, uncomfortable or out of place like i had worried. Through the course of the night, Miss took care to touch me, playfully tickling my side and running Her nails down my leg, familiarizing me with Her touch.

The night consisted of leisurely watching the newest episode of the walking dead, playing phase ten and having tales from the crypt play in the backround. Small talk, and many jokes later, ashe asks what we should do now and the bottom dropped out of my stomach as Miss Carrie looked  into my eyes "i want to play with her". She commanded me to go into the play room and followed close behind, telling ashe to put on music. A beautiful soothing tune filled with flutes swelled into the room, instantly relaxing me. She began by taking my glasses off, running Her fingers through my hair, over my face, eyelids and lips. She lifted my shirt above my head and kissed along my jawline, clasping me to Her neck and squeazing me. i felt...safe, excited and wanting only to show Miss how willing i was to please Her. She ran her long nails down my bare abdomen, tickling me and sending me a step closer to space. Its intensely erotic, having someone undress you, being totally in their control. i shivered as She unclasped my bra and ran Her nails down my back, making me arch tword Her.She made me step out of my pants, throwing them to the side with the rest of my clothes and told me to lie face down on the play table.

Miss ran  Her hand up my calf, taking care to knead and rub the skin of my thighs, ass and back to get the blood circulating. Slow slaps began to land on my ass, jiggling the flesh, setting into a rythm. i felt myself begining to relax, feeling aroused and sleepy at the same time. The smacks paused. A heavy soft "thwack" landed across my thighs, trailing down my legs and feet as Miss began to beat me with a large sude flogger. At random times She would trace a path down the crack of my ass, tickling my lower lips and inner thighs to distract me from the impending barrage upon my backside. Miss Carrie began to bring the flogger harder and harder against my ass and back, one spot in particular felt as if it was getting the worst of the blows, right over my tailbone. i began to shake, wich was normal for me. Since i first began to ever experiance sexual things, once i get so turned on i begin to shake and would only stop if i reached sub space or would die down after about a half hour if stimulation was stopped.

Miss stoped and walked around to my head, rubbing my neck and running the tips of her nails over my scalp and down my spine. i then felt a sharp sting as a lighter, thinner flogger was brought down on my reddening ass. The already sensative spot was begining to feel on fire, hot little jolts made me wince and wring my hands, trying to keep still and quiet and show how good i was was begining to near the impossible. Miss stopped and rubbed my sore skin, murmuring what a good girl i was. i feel a warm sensation flow through me ever time She says that to me.Going to the closet and pulling out a wartenberg wheel, She began to run it across my shoulders, back and forth . it felt as if my skin was exploding from little pinpoints of pleasure, the feeling is amazing and overwhelming, it made me want to scream. Down my whole body, each leg and foot, i was in absolute ecstasy and agony and wanted it to never stop and please please end. Miss commanded me to flip over onto my back, walking behind me as She did. She began rolling my right nipples between Her fingertips, and i tried to stifle little moans. my nipples are sensative and i love having them pulled and pinched. She started clipping clothes pins in a circular spiral out from my nipple. Sharp hot pain zinged outward from every pin She put on, but She didnt stop. i began to shake violently, whimpering and grinding my teeth. That had to be one of the worst pains i have ever felt, and i thought it wasent going to end. Miss lightly tapped down on the array of pins jutting from my breast, and i squeaked. She commanded me to count down from ten with ever pin she pulled off, until She finnally yanked the last one off and slapped my breasts. Color exploded behind my clenched eyelids and i continued to shake harder. Miss came behind my head and leaned down, smothering me in her embrace and pushing my arms around her. "let it go" She whispered into my ear, nuzzling around my temple and neck and giving me slow small kisses, telling me what a good girl i was. She rubbed my belly and hips, walking around to slide a hand across my lower belly. "Take a minute and then come in here and relax" She walked into the living room, leaving me sitting on the table lost in the wonderful hazy head high that is sub space.

After going to sit with ashe by Miss Carrie's feet, She petted and carresed me until She told me it was time for me to go home. I collected the gifts She had given me, and slowly walked to my car, still a bit dazed. On the drive home, i sang loudly and felt amazing. i wasent tired, i was completely relaxed and suprisingly enough i didnt feel the need to masturbate or have sex. I was completely satisfied.