Drowning and loving it

im becoming clauster phobic of jay. hes constantly clinging on to me, crying about how much he loves me. i never thought i would get tired of saying " i love you". i love him but i also love Miss Carrie and ashe, equally. this sounds more dramatic than it really is, kind of like a bdsm soap opera. i still have errant thoughts of how dirty i am, how much people would be disgusted with the thoughts running through my mind. i dont even tell jay the things i do with them. the mind fucks that i get from Miss Carie are always entertaining, its our own private joke. pushing my own boundries and making myself suffer to show my devotion. i want to prove myself so badly. yet im so afraid of the pain sometimes im terrified, making my adenaline spike and going on a sub space head rush within two hits landing on me. i hope Misstress will be understanding about my fears.