Cant sleep

lately ive been indecisive. toying with ideas and fantasies that i havent before. and to be honest, they make me nervous. what if i go down some path, wanting always to be under the heels of a Mistress, of my Misstress? yes, im talking full slavery, full giving up of any inhibitions and the choice to what i want. but tonight, i was deeply hurt by what ashe said to me, about how i wasent going to work, how i only cared about things to do with sex. i got angry, i yelled back and i definetly didnt think before i spoke. i upset him by saying i didnt enjoy the bondage we had together but i ment i hated how ackward i felt being close to someone, how i felt stupid everytime i pulled against my bonds to pick up things or move, because i felt i was a disturbance. i even pissed next to ashe as we both wore diapers and he fell asleap on my shoulder. how adorably fucked up close is that?? it made me terribly anxious and sad that i left tonight without telling my big brother goodbye and him still being upset with me. i never want to put Miss Carrie in a comprimising position, i know that ashe comes first in Her life, and i dont resent that.i always worry if something i say or do will cross the proverbial "line", and ill lose what ive finnally found. i wanted to cry when Misstress told me to go home, i felt absolutely worthless and miserable and stupid. i thought tonight was the night that i had finnally done it. im almost stressed now, thinking of my next tripp.