Longing

i was punished tonight for arriving at Miss Carrie's house high. i had smoked earlier in the day, stressed out about jay. i am often fantasizing about living with my Mistress and ashe, escaping from ordinary lifestyle and having to hide my true thoughts. thanksgiving was surreal, having to act respectable as a christian, and to pretend jay and i didnt live together, that i didnt wish i was wearing my cuffs and collar to reassure me everything would be fine. i dislike having to intermingle with new people, i tire of being ridiculed or looked at. i long to just be at my Mistresses knee, leash in hand.