Sleepy imaginings

I am laying in bed, picturing morphing versions of myself throughout the years,wondering when I will become whole. Does the metamorphasies ever stop? Even until I'm dying, will I continue to change? It frightens me a bit, to think how I exsist now will not exsist later...

malha the slave's rules

Rules for malha

1. Keep yourself shaven at all times.
2. Keep your toenails painted and get acrylic nails. (french or pink only)
3. Write in your blog on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
4. No pot smoking on days that you will see me.
5. Commit to seeing me at least three times per week.
6. Make yourself available for events.
7. Smoke only Marlboro Light 100's.
8. When coming into the house, after greeting me, get your cuffs and collar, along with the locks and present them to me.
9. Bedtime at Midnight on Sun-Thurs. Friday and Sat at 2 am unless with me.
10. No sex on Wednesdays. (This is to show I have control even if not there)
11. Ask permission when masturbating alone.
12. No sitting on furniture at My house.
13. Always ask to leave my presence and explain why.
14. Always bring a change of clothes, something nice and a set of pajamas.
15. Always wear makeup around me.
16. you will always keep my kitchen clean when at my house.
17. Keep your own house clean and in good order.
18. you will no longer drink soda.
19. you will limit fast food to once a week and going out to dinner once a week.
20. you will eat a fruit and/or vegetable once a day.
21. you will keep a food journal and email me what it is every evening.
22. you will notify me when you have written in your blog and provide me with the link.
23. When in public you will always walk to my left.
24. you will always get my doors.
25. you will wait to be seated in public.
26. you will always hold my things or fetch my purse.
27. you will not pass off a designated task to someone else.
28. you will always wait for permission to eat when around me.
29. you will always accept punishment willingly.
30. you will present me with your leash when kneeling beside me.

Cant sleep

lately ive been indecisive. toying with ideas and fantasies that i havent before. and to be honest, they make me nervous. what if i go down some path, wanting always to be under the heels of a Mistress, of my Misstress? yes, im talking full slavery, full giving up of any inhibitions and the choice to what i want. but tonight, i was deeply hurt by what ashe said to me, about how i wasent going to work, how i only cared about things to do with sex. i got angry, i yelled back and i definetly didnt think before i spoke. i upset him by saying i didnt enjoy the bondage we had together but i ment i hated how ackward i felt being close to someone, how i felt stupid everytime i pulled against my bonds to pick up things or move, because i felt i was a disturbance. i even pissed next to ashe as we both wore diapers and he fell asleap on my shoulder. how adorably fucked up close is that?? it made me terribly anxious and sad that i left tonight without telling my big brother goodbye and him still being upset with me. i never want to put Miss Carrie in a comprimising position, i know that ashe comes first in Her life, and i dont resent that.i always worry if something i say or do will cross the proverbial "line", and ill lose what ive finnally found. i wanted to cry when Misstress told me to go home, i felt absolutely worthless and miserable and stupid. i thought tonight was the night that i had finnally done it. im almost stressed now, thinking of my next tripp.

Longing

i was punished tonight for arriving at Miss Carrie's house high. i had smoked earlier in the day, stressed out about jay. i am often fantasizing about living with my Mistress and ashe, escaping from ordinary lifestyle and having to hide my true thoughts. thanksgiving was surreal, having to act respectable as a christian, and to pretend jay and i didnt live together, that i didnt wish i was wearing my cuffs and collar to reassure me everything would be fine. i dislike having to intermingle with new people, i tire of being ridiculed or looked at. i long to just be at my Mistresses knee, leash in hand.

Drowning and loving it

im becoming clauster phobic of jay. hes constantly clinging on to me, crying about how much he loves me. i never thought i would get tired of saying " i love you". i love him but i also love Miss Carrie and ashe, equally. this sounds more dramatic than it really is, kind of like a bdsm soap opera. i still have errant thoughts of how dirty i am, how much people would be disgusted with the thoughts running through my mind. i dont even tell jay the things i do with them. the mind fucks that i get from Miss Carie are always entertaining, its our own private joke. pushing my own boundries and making myself suffer to show my devotion. i want to prove myself so badly. yet im so afraid of the pain sometimes im terrified, making my adenaline spike and going on a sub space head rush within two hits landing on me. i hope Misstress will be understanding about my fears.

A Sleepy Afternoon

This weekend at Miss Carrie's was amazing. we all went to a party at a local kink community member's house on friday night which ended up turning bad, as coke was a terrible idea for people to indulge in. it amazes me how much more self control i, a 19 year old girl, has than people around 30 years old. At home on saturday, i wore a diaper for the first time. i was a bit doubtful about how much i would acctually like regressing and acting like a little, but as i was curled around ashe, snuggled tightly into his armpit and holding hands with Miss and sucking on a pacifier,i felt completely happy. as i fell asleap, i had one of the best naps ive had in a long time. i feel content with my Mistress and look forward to more creative scenes and situations. i feel a bit worried that either i dont think im as strong as She does, or that She has higher expectations than i can meet pain wise.

A Humbling Experiance

I could have saved on gas money and just stayed home. i said that when faced with the implication that Misstress wasent going to play with me when She said earlier She was, it made me a bit dissapointed and bratty, but in reality, even if she had sent me home, i still enjoy going over there. i enjoy learning about Miss carrie and ashe's backstorys, hearing the drama going on in the kink community and broadening my perspective on kink and power relationships. even if W/we never played, id still walk away knowing more than just reading could teach me. plus, the two of them are awesome to be around, i feel myself falling just a little bit further under my Mistresses spell, relaxing under her minstrations and accepting She will know whats best for me.i truely beleive She will keep me safe and with my trust issues, She is the quickest i have ever trust someone and that is saying something.

finnally free

Today has been one of the best days with Mistress carrie and ashe. i wore cuffs the entire day, feeling a chilly breeze wash over my naked body, playing with the dogs and talking the entire day away. it was one of the most insightful conversations ive ever had, discussing the dynamics of our blossoming family and explaining certain rituals and kinks. such as, the need for protocol and humiliation strains from needing structure, and the want to be told "good girl". i had been wondering what some of my personal rules and rituals would be, im eager to play and explore my boundries, finnally free to do anything and everything my Mistress tells me too. i couldent be happier :3.