Regret

i feel as though this will be hard to put into the right words, i often put my foot in my mouth so to speak i would be lying if i didnt say that coming into this relationship, i didnt expect to be wowed by a female Dominant. i was proven wrong, time and time again. Misstress Carrie is an amazing Dominant, attentive, creative and fair. She is also my friend, sharing private jokes, comforting me when i am uncertain. but more and more, i feel as though i cannott fully relax and enjoy my time with Misstress because of ashe. it is hard, always being subject to scruitiny even when not in Her presence. At times, it feels as if he thinks im stupid and immature, not worthy of being a subbmissive for Miss Carrie. as much as i love Her and wish things were easier, i cannott fully commit with someone elses foot on my neck. i worry about Misstress being dissapointed, angry. i still wish to be friends, i will still submit to Her. but a slave, i dont think is for me. not now.

No to yes

As the holidays near, I stress more and more about money. So much so, that yesterday I went to sell plasma. I was seated wih the homeless, addicts, thugs and rednecks. And most of them were ridiculously nice to me. When I told my story at work, my boss looked amazed and disgusted, disbeleiving that I was poor enough to have to do that. I do what's neccesary, even most of thetime when I complain or am scared to do it. So my goal is to relax and continue to be open minded, and try to erase no from my response to new things.  

Action

I have caught a cold. But I findmself always being a bit more productive wen I'm sick. I refuse to let a little germ bring me down! I have too much to do. This past weekend I went with Mistress, jonny and ashe to a "littles" party and disocovered I infact, do enjoy being a little from time to time. Coloring, playing with toys, being bratty. I only wish I could be closer with Miss carrie. I don't know why in my head I can't allow myself to relax and enjoy things, a lot of the time I remove myself and watch, while others have a good time. Why do I ostracize myself?

Aggravation

Sometimes its hard being a subbmissive alongside ashe. He's bullheaded, at times cruel and selfish. I know Mistress is his, that I am always going to feel like a second banana. I was even thinking the other day that it was a bit funny that I ended up being with Miss, since when I first began looking for a Dominant, I was looking for a man. I thought a woman couldent provide me with the type of scenarios that I had envisoned. Sex is a big part of my life. I miss sex with my ex boyfriend, we would often fuck for hours, going through multiple positons and so hard, I loved it. Is it so wrong, wanting to entwine my sexual kink and service? To want my Misstress, and jay to both dominate me? I don't believe so.

Quest for a collar

As of late, I've enjoyed the closeness my mistress and I have shared.confiding in each other, relying on each other, sharing special moments. I truely love making her happy. I want to become better, learn protcol  to better serve my mistress and earn my collar. If only it were a list of tasks to perform, almost like a gauntlet.... but isent that what rules are intended to be? I don't think so. I like my rules. Need them. They are what brings slight order to my chaos. I'm losing weight, gaining confidance and becoming a bit wiser. I'm thinking more of things, I wouldent normally do. Push my boundries, force me to be, exquiste in my worship and service.

Cups of needles

tonight i tried needle play and cupping. i was only a miniscule bit nervous, ive had plenty of peircings and donate blood so im not at all afraid of needles. it was good, i got to taste my blood and ashe took a bunch of pictures plus, since he dosent like needes, Mistress got to have a good time also.

What my rules mean to me

To me, rules are a way of bringing structure to my chaotic life. If I do a crime, a punishmnt befiting it will be inforced upon me. Its swift, often just, and often imagined by myself then brought to life. I worry I'll be too soft and emotional for this role, this lifestyle. I ache to learn more, to soak up every bit of knowledge I can about all aspects of kink and leather. So ill kick my own ass. even if theirs no one around to see me do it.